nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Actions speak louder than pants.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
