"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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