When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
