He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
