so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
