Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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