Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
