I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
