I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
