Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
