All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
