ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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