my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
