Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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