Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
