I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just googled if crying burns calories
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
