Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
