tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
