god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Randomize
