I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
