we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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