You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
