I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
