Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
