remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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