I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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