Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
it's like iHOP with fire
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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