fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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