threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
