Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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