I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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