Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
