I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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