if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
