Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
it's like heaven, but drunker
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
