I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
