i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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