I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Floor bacon is actually really good
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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