went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
