"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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