but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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