why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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