So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
3pm strippers are depressing
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
