When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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