My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
