okay pat passed out under dana's car
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
