Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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