is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
So much rum. So many feels.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
