Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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