she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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